Empty Nester – yet still immersed in Motherhood guilt.


Yup, I did it.  At the ripe age of 53, I “rescued” a canine creature.  I have never owned a dog in my entire life, but after much debate and pondering with my hubby, we decided this may be the answer for me.

This all happened two years ago now, and Stanley has been in our life and become part of our quirky household.   I was struggling with the quiet loneliness once the kids left the Nest with Mike still working tours overseas.  The decision was made to give it a go and start by Fostering a dog to see how it worked for us.  Well of course in a short space of time I became what’s known as a “Foster Failure”.  This is actually a positive thing meaning that you’d failed at being a Foster Dog Owner, and had actually decided to adopt the pooch.

He really has been a bit of dream dog for us.  No whining, no barking at every little thing, no chewing of furniture.  Just the odd bit of aggressive behaviour when on leash.  We changed his name from “Tyson” (he never answered to it anyway – and being as my husband is called Mike, we just didn’t think that would work for us) to Stanley, aka Stan-the Man, Stanners, and Stan.

The main problem with having a dog is all in my head.

The issue that I’m having with owning a dog has nothing to do with him, but instead this irrational guilt I carry. Turns out its not him, it’s me.

You see, I seem to have held on to that amazing skill I have to immerse myself in the “Motherhood Guilt” technique that I had fine-tuned over my 20-or-so years of being a full-time parent. Now I have developed the ability to put that same guilt on myself for leaving Stanley alone for a longer period of time (6-8 hours).  Yes, I know, I’ve heard all the advice before.  “He’s just a dog”,  “They just sleep anyway”, “They have no concept of time”.  But still I go round in circles worrying in my head.  Does anyone have any better advice than those listed in the previous sentence to help me get over this ridiculous issue?

Tonight, I’m enlisting my “self-talk” skills and going off to work for what may be a 7 hour shift while Mike is away working.  “You’ve got this Kim, he’s just a dog, he’ll sleep, it’s all good”, I’ll be chanting to myself.   Summer’s coming and more of this is coming, too.  I need to smarten up.  Fast.





A trip back to the Motherland

I’m working towards making this an annual thing –  getting out of Dodge in the winter I mean.  When I first came to Canada, I heard of the term “Snow-birders”.  For my non-Canadian readers, this means – as soon as the white-stuff starts falling from the sky you all flock off to warmer climates in a mass flurry of 50, 60, and 70 year olds screaming “get me outta here!!”  When I first moved to Canada in 1993 I figured I was just too young for all that  (having young kids at home) and set that thought aside.  Now at the ripe old age of 55 with no kids at home anymore,  winter creeps up on me and I find myself in search of the big yellow globe in the sky.

Last year I took off to Australia for a family wedding, and holiday.  This year, it wasn’t the warmth I was seeking so much (although U.K. is warmer generally speaking than B.C.,Canada),  I was seeking time with my wise, and wonderful older sibling who has had some hard times with his health of late, and I felt the need to be there for a few weeks.

I took off to the non-snowy country of Wales and the fabulous company of my brother Lee, his daughter India – now 19, and son Taylor, 21, both relatively unknown to me living across “The Pond” (as the Brits say).  I spent 2 weeks with Lee and his delightful kid-lings, then moved around mid-England visiting with my old high school years BFF, a couple of old night-clubbing-in-my-youth girlfriends, my Step-Brother and his family and my cousin – who I had not really spent more than a tea-time visit with in years.

The vacation was enormously therapeutic, albeit short-lived. I re-discovered how gorgeous my Motherland is.  Stunning fields upon fields, rugged and beautiful coastlines of Wales, and historically majestic buildings and structures.  I re-connected with old friends, deepened my already strong family ties with Lee, and discovered the joy of being an Auntie.

Not quite the  heat-seeking holiday I was looking for, however my soul was beautifully warmed by these ever-lasting  and deeply-rooted connections.

I guess that’s one positive about being an Empty Nester now.  I can take off on trips either with Mike, or solo and not worry about the kids and if they’d also like the holiday.  Or  alternatively – if we left them behind I would be worrying about Day-Care etc.  Now I just send them a postcard and bring them back an appropriate souvenir.  Having said that, a family holiday would be fabulous……..  oh, this Empty Nesting is still tough, who am I kidding?

Where will Winter 2018/2019 take me I wonder.  I’m going to put it out there for a trip to Costa Rica!  Maybe the kids will save up and come too????!


The party is just beginning………

I’ve been on a bit of hiatus from my Blog for quite a while, but I recently received some words of encouragement to write again.  I was offering some of my “words of wisdom” to a friend of mine and actually, she loved what I had to say! “You should write about that on your Blog” she suggested.

So here I am.  Blogging about it.

While being on a wonderful holiday in Perth, Australia,  my Sister-In-Law left an appropriately placed informational book on the bedside table of my room in her apartment.  This publication was about moving into and through your mid-life and finding ways to deal with all that comes with that phase.

Being an “Evolving Empty Nester” I was completely open to reading this book feeling that it may assist me with my present transition in life.  My current way of thinking was teetering between “Now what?”,  “I have no idea”, “I miss my kids being at home so much”,  “I don’t want to move on”, ” I just want that time again” and finally – “I’m on the downhill slope to the end of my life”.  None of which are in anyway productive to a happy, enjoyable mid and older life.

My thought on mid-life in the past seemed to be on how my body would begin to fail in many ways – strength, appearance, and susceptibility to injury and illness, and that it was a slow downhill slope once you hit your 50’s.

But then I read the aforementioned book and developed a whole new outlook on the next “Empty Nesting” phase of my life.  This judiciously placed book was a positive guide to recovering individuality and mapping out a second life.  It made reference to time spans in our life and looking at what the reader had been able to do and achieve in that period of time.

Let’s make a positive prediction that I’m going to continue to live a pretty healthy and active lifestyle, just like I am now, and that I will be able to do anything that comes my way physically and mentally  from 54 (now) to say 85.  Then that’s still another 31 years of living ahead of me.

I then compared that upcoming 31 year time-span to another 31 year time period in my earlier life – when I was 19 to 50.  Then I contemplated all the things I had fulfilled in that time, what I had achieved, experienced, and how I’ve grown as an individual.  Let’s just put that in a super brief form – I’ve had many great jobs leading to a fun-filled career, found my wonderful husband, raised 2 amazing daughters, lived in 3 countries, rescued a dog, grown hugely as a person, and the list continues……

Slowly – a whole new realization came to me……….. I have a whole lifetime ahead of me and it’s not downhill at all!!  (Unless of course, I allow that to happen).

Doesn’t this thought seem so much more positive in comparison to my former way of thinking that the next 31 years will be a downhill decline?

Now all I have to do is sit back, stop worrying that “time is marching on”,  but just be-in-the-moment. Enjoy-life.  Stop-worrying.   I have a large expanse of time ahead of me.  Who knows what delights and experiences I have to come and how I will develop and grow as a human??

My outlook on this next phase, my “Empty Nesting” phase,  has changed towards a positive future, and that’s a great thing!

Stay tuned for my “whats coming”…….


Nineteen – or thereabouts……………………………………………………and 31 years later

Saying the right thing


I wonder sometimes if it’s just me that worries about these things – what I’m trying to say is that I’m constantly worrying about saying the right thing, especially to those I love hugely.

Here is a brief glimpse into how my life has unfolded as a parent whilst trying to communicate with my kids through the different stages of their lives: –

Baby talk  It began from birth – without even a moments thought put into it – we find ourselves immediately trying to say the right thing to our newborns in the right way, with the right tone. Your baby responds to your voice and your mood, so we say things in a soft lulling timbre to keep our newborns calm and content. ahhhh…… a peaceful happy baby = blissful times.  “Aahh, Mama loves you, goo goo, ga ga” (said in gentle lilting tone)


Having said this, one cold night whilst living in the North of Vancouver Island, my hubby was away with work and I was trying to emanate calmness through my voice to my way-over-tired-5-month-old-seemingly-unconsolable-baby.   On the outside I was trying to rock her gently and say sweet and loving words to calm her while on the inside I was yelling “go to sleep Morgan – arghhh I’m so tired!!!”  Two hours of unsuccessful appeasing efforts later,  I called my neighbour who came to my rescue by singing and rocking my baby to sleep in all of 2 minutes!  Morale of the story – you can’t fake it with your babies – they know what’s going on inside you!

Toddler talk  The word “no” can lead to an all out full on out-of-body experience for the toddler in your life. Therefore we find different ways to wrap that word “no” using distraction, bargaining, and also offering options. But we change what we really want to say “no, of course you can’t jump off that 30 foot bridge to see if you can fly” to something that will lead to the type of behaviour we would like to see from our kids – for example, by instead saying “here’s a super-cool-Superman-rock-wall you can jump off!.


I certainly remember an all-out-throw yourself on the floor-melt-down in the grocery store by one of my girls where I was heard uttering “just you wait until I see your Mother and tell her about your behaviour!”  This I believe was said more for the benefit of the judgemental shoppers watching than my child!

Teenage talk  The teenage years turns into the walking-on-egg-shells at times. Some parents might define it as working your way through a verbal “minefield”.  The majority of parents I talk to say their kid can be in their bedroom by themselves for hours and then come out and just grunt – this making trying to have a conversation to get a peek into your child’s life akin to stepping into a full-on battlefield.  Some parents try to talk in what they think is their teenagers’  language saying things like “s’up bro“.   This just leads to the rolling of the eyes depicting acute embarrassment of your son/daughter.  It’s a tricky stage for sure.

A troubled teen peers through his hair.

There was a period of several days in a row in my then 14 year old daughters’ life where she was super sarcastic and snarky with any interactions with me the week preceding Halloween.  It was so random and strange as normally she was pretty easy to get along.  So bizarre?  However, on the night of October 31st that year,  I received a frantic call from one of her friends asking me to come and help out as the police were trying to haul her off to the Drunk Tank (police confinement for those being severely intoxicated in public)  with a shot-glass-on-a-chain-necklace decorating her massively inebriated personage.

After many days and weeks of replaying the whole incident over and over in my head, I concluded that huge acting out and being basically a “nasty piece of work” attitude from my teenager,  was a prelude to doing something she knew she shouldn’t be doing.  All part of learning the life lessons of communicating with your teenager right?

I now find myself in the “Empty Nest” stage.  The afore-mentioned eldest daughter is in Toronto and I probably see her 2-3 times a year and I miss her terribly.  (We laugh about the teenage incident now).  My youngest daughter is 45 minutes away and we cross paths at least once a week and we have many texts between.  I am very cognizant of the fact that I have two very smart and independent daughters, who are now out in the big wide world living their own lives.  Therefore I am now trying diligently to not ask a million questions of them and let go of those proverbial “apron strings” whilst also trying to figure out how to end any telephone conversation so they don’t get fed up with me calling!  The fact is, that they says they love chatting to me and texting with me so I should just go with that right?  But then my brain gets going “am I overdoing it and annoying her?” and second guessing my every word with them.  I wish I could stop this inner-voice-chatter going on in my crazy head, and just listen to them when they say they love spending time and chatting with me.  Maybe in time, whilst evolving into my new stage in life I will.

For now – my girls are always on my mind and in my heart as I’m sure is the same for a lot of you out there in the “Empty Nester World”.  Maybe it’s just who I am – a worrier of “saying the right thing”. Maybe nothing will change…….. stay tuned.



3 years to Evolve into Motherhood, maybe 3 years to Evolve into an Empty Nester?

1993 – here I am, a successful Front Office Manager of a 5 star hotel in Darwin, Australia, now pregnant and picturing this exciting “my heart is full” change in my life that is called “motherhood”.   This was what I pictured –  move to Canada, BC – the land of Christmas trees, gorgeous scenery and a new life.  Baby snuggled in my arms as I glide back and forth in my rocking chair – my baby looking adoringly up at me and smiling.  Husband by my side bringing me cups of tea and loving our life.

I packed up our life in Darwin, and moved, 4 months pregnant to the top of Vancouver Island, B.C. ready for this dream to become a reality.

Zooming ahead a year and my reality was quite different.  My hubby was away with his work more often than not; we had a beautiful, healthy baby girl that I couldn’t “manage”;  I was so stressed, not coping and definitely not a natural born mother.   It seemed that I could manage a 5 Star Hotel along with approximately 30 or more staff in my department, however I was at a loss as to what to do and how to make this gorgeous baby girl happy.  Demanding/drunk/rude guests were way easier for me to handle and appease than our baby was.  I could never figure out what it was she wanted or needed – this was not the way I pictured Motherhood unfolding.

Parenthood was not getting any easier for me as the weeks of Motherhood turned into months.   I was constantly stressed with scheduling every little thing (bad idea in hindsight), I had insomnia and was constantly collapsing into tears.  By the time Morgan was 9 months old, I could picture myself walking past that Christmas-Tree-lined beach whilst my baby slept,  and sliding into the ocean on a one-way ticket out of my self-believing incapabilities.  This was not how I thought my life as a Mother would be. By the time our baby was 10 months old I was diagnosed with Depression.

As Morgan grew older my support network grew larger, (click here to read about some of those ladies) my medication seemed to be kicking in and my confidence grew as a Mother.  By the time Laura was born I had more of a handle on my “Motherhood” situation, and had started to settle into it, relax and embrace this new role in my life.

Looking back over my years as a parent, I would say that although Motherhood is an ever-evolving job through the years of our kids differing phases, it took me at least 3 years from the birth of my first child, to start to feel like I’d survive and do OK as a mother. I wouldn’t kill myself, my kids or Mike and would actually love this role, and love it – I certainly did!

Fast forward to the teenage years, and I’d like to say I “came into my own” as a Mum.  I loved this age where they were exploring their boundaries/world/life and figuring out their future-selves and paths that they would take.  Being part of this process was a wonderful thing and I’m so blessed that we came through those years with only a few small bumps in the road.  Now I have the most wonderfully solid Mother/Daughter bonds with both my girls.  Compared to the baby years, this stage of my kids’ life was easy, joyous and so much fun as I saw my years of nurturing unravel in these amazing young women who evolved to be confident, caring and loving.

I had a “lightbulb” moment last week when I realized that it took me a good 3 years to be comfortable in my role as a Mother, so maybe it would take me 3 more years to find my comfortable space as an Empty Nester?  Maybe I should not beat myself up about it and stop worrying about not having the next part of my life all planned out.  As my Grandmother used to say “all good things come to those who wait”.  Let’s hope so anyway.  I’m waiting and searching for sure.